Jeremiah 1:5

God Goes On Vacation

2012-02-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

Last week I went on vacation. My mom, my sister, my two-year-old, and I took airplane rides and ended up in Colorado, visiting some family, skiing, and enjoying a change of scenery. On the outside, it could easily have looked like God took a vacation. Let's look at it from that point of view for a moment. (Pardon me for ignoring the fact that I was on vacation, definitely a blessing.)

We had been looking forward to this trip for months, but as it was time to leave Jameson was just getting over croup and I was down with some sort of nasty flu bug. The kind that keeps you up all night, has your throat screaming every time you swallow, causes you to sound like you are hacking up a lung every five minutes. There are not enough tissues in the world, your nose is red, dry, and cracked, your head aches, your entire body aches. I could go on, but everyone has been there and gets the general idea. Then, throw in a two hour time difference, that has the two-year-old up at 5:30 every morning so that by the time the ski lifts open you are ready for a nap, then he is ready for bed at 6 pm so dinner is an apple in your room while he sleeps. Childcare so expensive that it cuts into your ski time because you just can't justify the cost. Tired, sick, run down, frustrated...easy to get mad at God, right? Why did this have to happen now? On such a gorgeous day, why am I sitting here while my child sleeps instead of hitting the slopes? Why can't I just get one decent night's sleep? When will the coughing stop?

One afternoon in the middle of our trip (the particularly gorgeous, sunny day, while everyone was skiing except me because I was in the room with the napping child) it hit me. I could continue to look for the negative and question God as to why, or I could embrace the positive. I was in the mountains! The sun was shining! I was enjoying a chance to lay on the couch because there wasn't a house to clean or laundry to fold. I had a beautiful child asleep in the next room, tired out by the wonderful opportunity to ski.

As I stopped the negative and embraced the positive, God showed up even more. My mom called, telling me she was tired and coming in, so I should get dressed to hit the slopes. Really? Just when I had been sad to be missing the best weather forecast of the trip, God provided. She rested, Jameson slept, and I skiied! By the way, the weather the next day (the day Jameson was scheduled to be in childcare so we could all ski) was The Best. Despite what the forecasters told us, God gave us beautiful sun and clear skies.

And what about the pesky illness, the one that confined me to easy slopes that didn't tax my waning lung capacity? For the majority of the trip it worked out well, causing me to ski the same 'easy' slopes that my pregnant sister needed to be on. By halfway through the last day (that gorgeous sunny day?), the pregnant sister went in to rest, I felt the best I had yet, so I hit some black diamonds. Black diamonds, from the top of the mountain, that I hadn't done in years, all by myself, not falling. Thanks God. What a sweet gift to end the trip.

But it didn't stop there. A two-year-old with no nap who was an absolute angel on the plane. God's handiwork? I think so.

It was easy to feel sorry for myself in the tough moments, to question God and wonder where He was in the midst of things not going my way. But once I let go of my way, once I looked for Him, recognized Him, thanked Him, I realized all the big and little ways He had been there all along.

He went on vacation with me, and that made all the difference.

New Friends

2011-10-11T13:24:00.004-04:00

I love how God works. My last post was about old friends, the beauty of someone who has known you through it all and loves you anyway. Little did I know that, mere days later, God would touch me so deeply through a new friend. Clearly, length of time does not determine the depth of a friendship. We all have people in our lives we have known for years, but they never make it past the level of acquaintance. Then there are those people who you meet and instantly feel you have known forever. Or the people who suddenly become a part of your group and just fit right in. Or the people you bond with over a shared experience. That's where this new friend finds me.

I was recently in a setting where I shared my 'mom story.' Of course, for me, this included losing two babies and the daily struggle that goes with that loss. Unbeknownst to me, there was someone else in this group who knows my pain. She has been through it four times. Wow, and I thought I hurt.

Fast forward two weeks, to the first time we see each other again after this sharing. She brings me the most precious gift. A gift of herself, and her artist's spirit is so apparent in it. A beautiful box full of...shared sorrow...understanding ...love...a shoulder...shared tears...someone who gets it.

She put together a box of comfort: things, ideas, rituals that helped her through her pain. She took the time to make this for me. She beautifully put it all together. Reading the note she put with each 'thing' brought tears and comfort all at the same time. She gave of her time and, even more importantly, she gave of herself. This was her grief, a very painful, very private, very real thing. And she chose to dredge it all up again to help me.

I don't deserve that help. I did nothing to earn it. But I choose to receive it and am so grateful for it. She may not know it, but today (and each day I work my way through these exercises) she has been God's hands in my life. So many times I have asked Him to hold me, to comfort me as I mourn. Today, in a very tangible way, he has.

Thanks to her, and thanks to Him.

Old Friends

2011-10-07T14:20:00.006-04:00

Do you have any really good old friends? Not old as in ancient, decrepit, etc. Old as in you have known them your whole life. I do, and am so grateful for her. She has seen me through so much. She has known me happy and sad and joyful and giddy and immature. She has seen me make huge mistakes, and major triumphs. She has seen me sobbing, bleeding, raw. She has seen me totally put together for a night on the town.

She sees me. Not the person I want to be, or maybe try to preted to be. Not the impression I might put forward on any given day. Just me. As I am.

And she loves me despite that, or maybe because of it.

I was so blessed to just have a visit from this friend. Not a lunch, or a coffee date, or even an overnight. A whole week! She stayed with us and we got to really just live life together, like the good old days when any given weekend found us sleeping over at each other's houses. Inseparable.

It was so needed. By both of us. Plenty of time to catch up. To laugh and talk. To hurt and cry. To just be quiet in each other's presence. To cook and explore, to slide at the playground and see the elephants at the zoo. To sip on tea, sip on wine, and eat way too much dessert.

It did my heart good. Because she knows me to the point that sometimes there is no need for words. Silences are ok, healthing, helpful. No organized plan is no problemo.

Lately we have both been through our own drama, our personal calamities, griefs, crises. Are still in the midst of them actually.

What I have found, over the years, is that sometimes, I hold her up.

Sometimes, she holds me up.

And sometimes, we just have to hold each other up.

Perfect Power

2011-09-17T12:07:00.007-04:00

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

God has spoken these words to me. I believe them. No matter what is going on in and around me, His grace is enough. It is actually more than enough. It is everything.

How is His power made perfect in my weakness? I am weak. Right now I feel oh so weak. I am so tired of hurting. Of crying. Of pretending things are fine. Of no one understanding. Of grieving. Of wondering when it will be 'better.' This is my weakness. It keeps getting to me. I am weak. I do not have the power to heal myself. I cannot comfort my heart. It is not within me to provide peace to my countenance.

I want it. Peace. Joy. Comfort. Healing. I want it, but I can't do it for myself. He can. So, I suppose that is how His power can be made perfect in this weakness, my weakness, right now. I can continually choose to turn to Him. I can seek the comfort of His arms. I can read of His power to save, of the delight He finds in me. I can stand on His promises, and choose to be thankful.

A couple of years ago He challenged me to keep a notebook of memory verses, one or two a month. I have to admit, lately I have not been as caught up on them as I would like to be. But what a comfort they were today, reading through these words, like long lost friends, reminding me of His power, His love, His promise. He will restore. He will hold my tears. He will bring me to redemption, and my weakness will be the stage for His powerful display.

Bring it.

Measuring Sticks

2011-09-06T15:16:00.006-04:00

It cannot be a coincidence, how many times lately I have heard reference to measuring sticks. From messages onstage at church, to conversation with friends, from books I am reading to internet surfing, this concept keeps coming up. So, as I wonder if God is maybe trying to hit me over the head with something, I decide maybe it's time to take a deeper look.

If you think I am talking about sewing supplies, let me explain. Measuring sticks in my life might look like...:

"She keeps her house so much cleaner than me. I must be a messy, dirty person."

"Her children are so well-behaved. My little boy throws tantrums. I must not be doing well as a mom."

"She is so well-organized and scheduled, making time to work out, take her kids on fun adventures, and have a home-cooked meal on the table. I can barely find time to shower. What is wrong with me?"

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. It is so easy to look at someone else, their life, their priorities, their agenda and to-do list, and to come up feeling...

lacking

lazy

disorganized

less-than

inferior

guilty

I do this. All the time, often without even realizing it. Sometimes I even joke about it, trying to make myself feel better, or maybe to look for validation from someone who loves me that, hey, I'm ok too.

This aspect of measuring sticks was easy for me to see. After all, I tend to fell less-than every day.

Then I started thinking deeper. Are there areas where others, wait for it, may feel less than me?!?!? No way. I am not nearly as organized, fun, energetic, in shape, well-dressed, Martha Stewart-esque, wise, or spiritual as any woman I know. In fact, if you name a friend, I bet I could immediately respond with the areas in which she is better than I am. But, logic tells me this goes both ways. I don't see it. Believe me, I'm not sitting around patting myself on the back for my accomplishments and strengths.

But neither are my friends.

Right?

I mean, I am friends with these women. I know them. They aren't walking around with an intense awareness of their strengths while simultaneously looking to lord them over me. They are good people, genuine people, wonderful people.

So, if I take into account that I see all this wonderfulness in them, but I don't see it in myself, does it make sense that the reverse is true? Maybe they see strengths in me that they hold up as a measuring stick to themselves?

I hope not. Logically, it must be true. But that's not what I want.

So it must not be what they want either right? They aren't out to feel superior any more than I would be, if I could just figure out what those strengths of mine are.

The world tells us we have to have it all, be it all, do it all. Everything has to be perfect, or we aren't up to snuff. But the Word tells us that we are each gifted differently. I Corinthians 12. James 1:17.

God made my friend the gourmet chef. He made the meticulous housekeeper, the amazing mother, the fireball of energy. He made us all, as we are, for a reason. And He brings us together to be one body, to bring out the best in each other. Not to feel inadequate. Not to put another down. But to build each other up.

So, rather than feeling inferior when I hear about someone's day, I will build them up. I will encourage, praise, and rejoice in the special gifts God gave them. I will make sure they know they are special, created by God to do something I could never do.

And the next time someone compliments one of my gifts, I will choose to receive it.

2011-08-24T14:24:00.002-04:00

Irony.

Gotta love it.

Today a friend and her little boy came over to play with us. It was spur of the moment, unplanned, and so much fun! In the midst of chasing two rambunctious toddlers we had a chance for snippets of conversation. (Anyone who has spent a lot of time with children understands how that works.) And my friend asked about my heart. She asked how I have been doing with my grief, my emotions, the day-to-day.

And I told her the truth: I am doing a lot better. Sure, there are still tough moments and tough times, but overall I'm not crying every day. The tears are fewer and farer between. I am feeling hope and joy.

Now, as I sit down to my computer during the 'quiet time' of nap, I find my tears returned. Another friend is pregnant. I just found out. And THIS IS GOOD NEWS. It IS. If you are one of my many friends (and some days it seems like all of my friends) who are pregnant right now, I am happy for you. I rejoice with you over this miracle God is entrusting to you. I eagerly anticiapte finding out what you are having and meeting that little bundle of joy and kissing his or her toes.

So why do I cry? Is it a reminder, once again, that I am not pregnant? Is it a longing for the babies I don't get to meet this side of heaven? Is it jealousy? (Wow, I hope not, because I do not for one second begrudge any of my friends this joyful season of their lives.)

I read today that the Holy Spirit can soak our hearts, bringing life to the seeds God has planted within us. I don't believe it is coincidence that I read this just before my own tears started coming. Is this cleansing, this soaking, a part of the process? To what end?

Ahhh, that great mystery of life: what is the purpose of the season of trial? I suppose if I knew the answer to that it wouldn't be quite such a trial, right?

I don't have answers. Sometimes I don't even think I have the right questions. But I am open...open to hearing from God...open to Him using this season to prepare me for the next...open to the time of redemption that I believe is coming. And open to any thoughts any of you might have for me...

Open to the tears, the rain...

Weeping May Stay For a Night, But Rejoicing Comes In the Morning

2011-07-13T20:35:00.002-04:00

So, if you read my last post you know all about the rough day I had. The pain, the grief, the sorrow. As Ecclesiastes says, it was my time to weep. I don't apologize for the day, the feelings, the words. They were necessary for me. A part of the process. What is life if not a process?

But, as it says in Psalms, rejoicing comes in the morning. After my time to cry, the world did go on. Jameson woke up from his nap, I wiped my eyes, and we got in the car to 'go-go bye-bye.' We ran some errands and returned to the real world, the land of the living. Just the act of getting out, the decision to embrace a sunny day, started to turn things around. My thoughts became more positive, my mood lifted, my tears slowly lessened.

And, when morning came, rejoicing truly did reign! I had a great friend come to visit. The visit was already planned and arranged (I believe by God in His infinite wisdom who answered a prayer I hadn't even prayed yet.) She brought me smiles and laughter and distraction and fun. How can you not rejoice when you are given the precious gift of time with your oldest friend, day in and day out, for five days? It was beautiful. My perspective changed, my emotions gave way to rational thoughts, sound decisions, and prayer.

I miss my babies, but I am so thankful for the time I got to be excited for them, to plan for them, to anticipate them. I am grateful they are living with my God in heaven, where they never have to know the pain of this world. I am appreciative of the God who knew how I would suffer and made provisions to show me His mercy in the midst of it. And I am thankful for the love in my heart for those children, love I will know every day of my life.

Rejoicing.

Life Goes On...But Sometimes It Doesn't Seem That Way

2011-07-06T20:43:00.008-04:00

We've all heard the saying: 'Life goes on.' Deep down, I know it's true. But sometimes it sure doesn't feel like it.

Lately I feel like I am living the same days over and over again. There is grief and sadness, tears and tiredness. Then it seems like the dark cloud starts to lift, there is some laughter, lightheartedness, good times with family and friends. Then something triggers the sadness all over again. Big things, small things, seemingly insignificant things can suddenly trigger the emotions and the waterworks that go along with them. And I'm plunged back into the darkness.

This week has been the worst. Back in March I had to deal with a miscarriage. We lost our baby, and all the hopes and dreams and plans that had already been spinning in our minds. It was horrible, painful, devastating...there just are no words. In early May I had to go through the same experience again. Horrible yet again. But after some continuing complications, this week going through a D&C forced me to come face-to-face with two miscarriages at once. All the pain from both just overwhelmed me at this physical manifestation of all I have been going through. Sure the procedure had me tired, fatigued, achy, off schedule, you name it, but the reality is every little detail of my loss slammed me in the face and buried me in a mound of gloom.

And to be honest, today I didn't want to snap out of it. It felt fitting to slum around in my pajamas with dirty hair. Food had no appeal. The beautiful sunny day felt like a slap in the face. All I wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and cry. So I did, for awhile. There is a time to grieve. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose when that time is. We just have to take it as it comes. And comes. And comes. Over and over. And it's hard to believe that life does go on, because in those moments of devastation it feels like first moment I got the bad news all over again. Once again, like the first time, I see all my dreams and hopes and joy slipping through my fingers and I'm faced with the terrible, aching, lonely loss, this void in my soul. And empty arms.

(To be continued....)

Grief

2011-05-25T09:52:00.007-04:00

Grieving is a funny thing. Not that the word 'funny' should really be associated with grief. Maybe I mean Grieving is a strange thing. It feels like an ever-changing process. First you feel one way, then another. You think you are past a certain feeling and it creeps up again out of nowhere. You feel like all your tears are cried, your cheeks have been dry for a few days, then out of nowhere come buckets full of tears. It's kinda like being on a roller coaster in the dark: you can't see whether there is a hill or a drop or a turn ahead. You just ride it along.

Going through this season I have been sad. So sad. Sad doesn't feel like a strong enough word. My heart has hurt. Really really hurt. I find myself experiencing something and thinking 'my babies won't get to do that.' They won't get to go to a Reds game, or swim in a pool. They won't walk a beach or marvel at the Grand Canyon. They won't run around the zoo with their friends and blow bubbles on hot days.

What hits me in those moments, though, is the realization that my babies aren't missing out. They aren't going to miss those things; I am. I won't get to see the smile on their face at the ballpark. Or catch them as they jump into a pool. I will miss hearing their shrieks as waves come at them, and the chance to answer their questions about nature. As I watch my children run around with their friends I will miss the children who aren't there. But those children won't be missing anything. They are in the courts of the King, walking streets of gold. Their little bodies are already made perfect, and they will never have to hurt. They won't have skinned knees or hurt feelings. They won't feel left out by their friends or fall and break an arm. No stitches, no hospital visits, just perfect paradise.

It is I who will hurt. My arms ache to hold them; my lips yearn to kiss their sweet little noses. My eyes seek out a face that isn't there. My body yearns to cuddle them close. My heart...oh my heart...my heart wants first steps and first words, kisses and 'mamas,' story time and naps together. My mind wanders down paths of what might have been...favorite colors...sports to play...music lessons...who would they have been? My spirit yearns for what I will never have in this world, these beautiful children, but my soul will know them someday.

Grief is not for those gone. They have nothing to hurt over. Grief is truly for those of us left behind. We are the ones to hurt. I stop short of saying it's a selfish emotion, because I don't believe it is. The Bible tells us "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I don't believe grief is something I have to 'get over' or 'work through.' At least not on my own. I believe, at the end of the day, the moral of the story is where I go with my grief. Or more importantly, to Whom I go. I can't process it on my own. I don't understand the how or why. But I do know Who is my Refuge. I know Who will hold me when I need to be comforted, Who will strengthen me when I want to fall. In turning to Him I can be made stronger, I can love more deeply, and rely on Him more fully in the future.

I read recently that our scars remind us of 'God's unfailing presence' in our lives. I am not looking for God to completely heal me on the other side of this grief. I'm not looking to be the person I was before. As a good friend pointed out, what's the point of growing through something hard if you don't end up better for it on the other side? So I choose to take refuge in my God. I choose to trust Him when it doesn't make sense to me. I choose to live in faith, to love and take risks with my heart, trusting in Him to make the pieces fit together.

Community

2011-05-23T14:56:00.002-04:00

Have I posted about community before? Quite possible. Maybe it's because we are blessed with such great community. Or maybe it is because I crave community. Or maybe it is because God wants us to be in community. Regardless, it is an increasingly more important part of my life.

This has really hit home for me recently. Going through some difficult times we have really leaned on our community. I have appreciated friends calling to see how I am doing. I have valued a shoulder to cry on, an outing to distract me from my thoughts, words of wisdom, and prayers on my behalf. Having such support is invaluable.

Last night was a night of community at our house. Some folks we know (and some folks we didn't know!) came over for a night of 'church.' People shared their lives, their hurts, what they were hearing from God, how they were growing, and challenges to the rest of us. It was good stuff. It culminated with a baptism in our pool. Awesome!

While this was going on, Jameson had his own little community of friends as all the kids were playing together, pushing around trucks, throwing balls, with very little fighting and lots of sharing. It was precious!

Today I had a doctor appointment. Two wonderful friends made it possible for me to go to the doctor and the lab for bloodwork on my own, no kiddo attached! One friend watched him while her daughters were at school and napping. Those of you with kids know how precious that little bit of down time is, yet she gave it up to love on my son. And another friends brought her daughter home from school to make it all possible. And when I walked in the door woozy from giving 10 vials of blood a nice lunch was awaiting me. How generous is that?

I love my community. I love the people God has blessed me with in this life. I love how we are all gifted in different ways, and those gifts come together to make a perfect picture of His Kingdom. Makes me want to go out and bless some others!

Words

2011-05-22T20:36:00.002-04:00

To my fellow bloggers: do you ever go through life thinking 'wow, this is big. I am learning something. There is truth in this situation. This is something I want to process, to journal about, to blog about.' Then, by the time the baby is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up, the dog is out (insert your own list of chores here) you finally sit down at the keyboard and all the words are gone?????? What about all those good things I was learning? What about the ideas I wanted to put out there to see what your thoughts would be? Where have they gone? Will they come back?

Oh, so many questions. But I guess the good news is that I am learning; I am growing. If I haven't remembered the details that seemed so important there must be a reason. Maybe I have already internalized that idea and moved on. Maybe it is still simmering, not yet ready to be captured in black and white. Maybe my motivation for posting it was wrong, maybe there was some pride in wanting to share, in looking for accolades. Maybe there is still too much hurt, the emotions are too raw.

Maybe it is just to show that I don't know the answers. Lots of questions. Lots of wondering. Isn't that the state of life? The more I learn, the more I wonder. The more I experience, the more questions I have. The more I know of God, the more I want to know Him more. That's what I want. So bring the questions, bring the search, for in them there is growth.

That's all I've got for right now, but I sense more coming...

Redemption

2011-05-16T13:04:00.002-04:00

What an interesting word. Redemption. We have heard it all our lives, often in very different contexts. A couple of months ago, when I had my first miscarriage, a dear friend shared with me some things God had told her as she prayed for me. These thoughts have been very dear to my heart as I have pondered them since. One was her certainty that God would redeem every tear, every moment of grief, every cell of thie pregnancy. I have clung to that hope since.

It is not for me to determine what that redemption looks like. Or when it will happen. Like everything else in life, I have to trust God, to lean on Him, let Him be my refuge and strength.

But, I had a glimpse of that redemption on Friday, and it was good.

On that day, Jameson was sick. Nothing major a little tummy upset, but he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to nap. I finally put him on my lap. We glided in the rocking chair while I snuggled him close, stroked his hair, and sang him lullabyes. With my rambunctious 19 month old, this doesn't happen often. Normally he runs at full throttle until he crashes into a nap, then he runs some more. But Friday he just wanted to be held. He wanted to be cuddled.

Like a newborn baby.

I, of course, ate it up. I rocked and I sang, I prayed for him and for me, for our family and my lost babies, long after he fell asleep in my arms. And I thanked God. I didn't get to rock those two little babies to sleep the way I would have wanted to. God had other plans. But I am certain they are in heaven with Him. I am certain they are happy and healthy and whole. And, in his infinite wisdom, He gave me my baby to rock on Friday afternoon.

I have been pondering those moments ever since. I treasure them in my heart. Today I took Jameson to get a haircut. He hated it. He wailed and cried and tried so hard to get away. Nothing distracted him, nothing placated him. I held him in my arms and he wailed against me while the poor stylist tried to finish. When we left, she gave him a blue balloon. The boy is in love with that balloon. We came home and he carried it all over the house, batted it around, showed it to the dog. He is in heaven over this new toy. And the similarities struck me. While I have been crying and grieving, God has been holding me close. He has never left my side, nor will He. And the heaven I look forward to is going to be so much better even than the blue balloon that put a smile on my child's face. My Saviour is there, my hope is there, and my babies are there together waiting for me.

So I wait...and I hope...and I anticipate redemption.

A Good Day

2011-05-08T13:57:00.008-04:00

Today has been a good day. A good day.

There were many reasons conspiring to not allow this to be a good day. In fact, there were many reasons for this to be a miserable, horrible, wretched day. But, we made a decision, I made a decision, that this was going to be a good, fun day. And it WAS!

I got to wear 4 outfits. You may ask why that makes it a good day. Well, it's what each of those outfits represents. I got to lounge around in my pjs while I fed Jameson breakfast and drank some yummy tea. Then I got to clean up (fix my hair, make up, the works!) and put on a cute dress and heels and my boys took me to brunch, mimosa and all. I felt like royalty. The food was great, I was relaxed, Jameson even behaved in his high chair. We took a leisurely drive home, where I got to put on yoga pants and a hoodie to watch tv while Jameson napped. Who can beat curling up on the couch with the internet and the remote (that's right, I got the remote!) When Jameson woke up I got to change into jeans and a t-shirt and we hit the road. We took a great drive, then met up with friends for an impromptu dinner and drinks. Jameson got to run and play outside at a driveway party. What fun! So many different aspects to our day, all of them so enjoyable, so relaxing, so out of the ordinary.

There is plenty of bad in this world. There are plenty of things that go on that make you not want to get out of bed in the morning. But there are also plenty of amazing things for which to be grateful: the smell of blooming lilacs, the sweet taste of a strawberry blintz, and a grin and a kiss from my sweet sweet son. What could bring more joy to a Mother's Day?

I could live life in a defensive mode, protecting my heart from all the potential for hurt in the world, but is that really living? I choose to live. Really, fully live life to the fullest. That might open my heart up to hurt along the way (and wow does it hurt right now.) But without the hurt how can we fully appreciate the joy? And I CRAVE the joy. I choose life, I choose fullness, I choose joy, and I trust God as my refuge through the hurt. Because he is the perfect refuge. His ways are not always my ways, but His love is so much bigger than me. His love is perfect. And perfect love drives out fear. So I will live on.

Today I Bought My Son a Cookie

2010-10-07T11:48:00.006-04:00

Today I bought my son a cookie. Not just any cookie. Check it out...

So, why is this blogworthy, you might ask. Well, Jameson likes sweets. (Who can blame him?) More importantly, he wants a bite of anything Mama or Daddy is eating. But, does he know the difference between quality of sweets? A break-and-bake cookie versus one from the Bonbonerie? (That's where we went this morning to return the cake plate from Ashley's wedding over the weekend.) The answer of course is no. He won't value the taste any more. He doesn't get the cute decoration that makes it fun and fall festive. He doesn't appreciate the things that make it a special, fancy cookie. I could just as easily given him something more common, and he would have been happy.

So, why didn't I? Good question. Part of me thought: This is extravagent. There are better things I can do with this money. He doesn't know the difference. But the bigger part of my thought: I love my son. And that's what it comes down to. I love him so much, and I can't wait to see his smile when he takes a big bite!

This isn't something we will do every day. It is a special thing. Yes, extravagent, but I think sometimes I need to be extravagent to be sure I am not loving money. We've all heard that the love of money is the root of all evil. So, I think sometimes using money to shower love on someone, whether that is someone forced into prostitution in India or that someone is my own precious little boy, is a great way to ensure that money isn't getting to be too important in my eyes.

As we walked out of the bakery with our fun cookie, I couldn't help but think about God. I am His precious child. He loves me infinitely more than I even love Jameson. (I still can't even grasp that love.) So, why wouldn't He enjoy throwing blessings my way once in awhile? Not that He needs to make my life a bed of roses, any more than I will make things too easy for Jameson. We live in a fallen world, a battleground, and we have to fight and learn and mature as we go. But somedays, God gives me an extravagent fall cookie just cuz He loves me and wants to make me grin, and I'm so thankful for that.

One Body, Many Parts

2010-09-12T12:07:00.004-04:00

So, have you ever read this passage: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20corinthians%2012&version=NIV
This is something I have heard many times growing up in church. It's one of those ideas I thought I understood. We all have different gifts, talents, callings, etc. Just because someone is a minister doesn't make him better or more important than someone who cleans toilets. Just because someone has a gift of prophecy doesn't make them better than someone whose gift is hospitality. The examples could go on and on, but you get my point. I've heard this, I believe it, we are all called to different things for a different purpose, and the sum of all of our various gifts helps us all grow as a whole. Yep, makes sense.

I have to admit, often times when I think I 'get' a particular passage and what it means, I am tempted to gloss over it. It's like my mind is thinking 'yeah, I already have that one figured out, let's get on to something new.' In doing so, it is easy to miss different truths that can come from the same passage. Recently, I read this passage in a whole new light.

Rejection is something I have struggled with throughout my life. You may know this, you may have talked to me about it. I don't exactly know where it stems from, but I have to work to not take things personally, to not seek out rejection in various interactions with friends, family, etc. So, when I read this passage recently, that's where it struck home. In the same way that just because someone is gifted in healing doesn't make them better than someone whose gift is administration, just because a friend chooses to spend time with another friend instead of me doesn't make me less important. That is HUGE for me. Let me say it again: just because a friend chooses to spend time with another friend instead of me doesn't make me less important. It doesn't mean they don't like me. It doesn't mean they don't value my opinions and what I have to say. It doesn't mean God hasn't blessed me with those friendships, or that He won't use me to bless those people. He may have called me to something different. He may have called me to be their friend in a different way, or with a different level of interaction. This may be for a season, and in the next season things might be different. Regardless, it is ok. The way God made me, the interactions He gives me, the relationships and growth, are what is right for me.

And that doesn't make me any more than or less than anyone else...

Out Of Control

2010-08-08T11:47:00.003-04:00

I like control. I admit it. I like order in my life. I like my to-do list checked off. I like to predict when Jameson will take a nap and when he will be hungry. I like to know what plans we have for the coming weekend. I like having a vision, a goal, and clear cut steps on how to achieve it.

I struggle with chaos, with spontaneity. I have a hard time shifting gears when something new comes up. It could be a great thing, a sudden get together with friends or an outing with family, but if it wasn't in my plans it can take me some time to adjust to it.

Lately God has been convicting me of this. No matter how much control I think I have, the reality is that I don't. I don't control anything. From the safety of my home to Jameson's schedule, none of it is really in my hands. That is a scary thing, until I realize that it IS in God's hands, and His hands are much more capable than mine anyway.

No matter what I do, what precautions I take, what safeguards I put in place, there are going to be fires and floods, illnesses and job changes, impromptu opportunities and last minute dinners in my life. And these are good things. Some of the best times with family and friends aren't planned at all. Some of the greatest lessons I learn about trusting God and walking more closely with Him rise out of these 'out-of-control moments.'

So, with God's help, I am trying to let go of control, to be free, relaxed, take life as it comes, savoring every moment and embracing where it takes me. Care to come along?

The Bigger Picture

2010-07-06T21:55:00.004-04:00

I recently read something that got me thinking: do I look at God only as who He is to me, or do I look at His bigger story? That thought has given me pause, and is something I am working through. How easy it is to be consumed with my little world. My basement flooded. My house caught on fire. My baby is sick. I pray, I ask God for healing, for restoration, I thank Him for our safety, I get frustrated when I don't feel my prayers are immediately answered. Where is He? Why isn't He responding?
Is this selfishness? These trials that we are going through, are they part of a bigger story, one that I may or may not ever know the full extent of? Instead of being frustrated that God isn't answering my prayers as quickly as I want, should I instead be patient, wait in faith, trust in His goodness, and ask Him to use me, to use these situations for His glory? This is a lot to consider. But it gives me hope. I would much rather look for the bigger picture than feel frustrated or ignored. Hmmm...

Stillness

2010-06-23T17:02:00.002-04:00

Psalm 46 tells us to "Be still and know that I am God." It sounds so simple, does it not? Be still. Do...nothing. Just exist. No agenda, no expectations. Why is this such a difficult task?

Our society so values efficiency. We judge how good a day was by how much we accomplished. How many items were checked off of our 'to-do' list. What great and mighty actions can we lay claim to. Yet, all this hustle and bustle takes away from the goodness of life. When I am too focused on household chores, I don't get to enjoy and treasure my time with Jameson. When we are too focused on being busy in the evenings, we miss valuable time we could be spending as a family. And, when we don't practice the art of being still it becomes hard to slow ourselves down and listen to God.

How often do we half-pray? By that I mean we talk to God, asking for His guidance, His help, maybe offering praise, but we don't listen to His response. How would your relationship with your spouse, your best friend, with anyone grown if you only ever talked to them, but never listened. It's hard to listen when the words aren't always audible, and when we are always distracted by the many things we need to be doing. So, when the tough times and big decisions come along, we aren't well-practiced in the art of listening to God's response to our pleas for guidance. It is hard to suddenly Be still and know Him when we are out of practice, harder still to hear His response.

I find myself right now sitting in a hotel room. Jameson is (finally) napping, Michael is in meetings, and I have some down time. Unlike at home, where I would be running laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, I have a few minutes. Deciding what to do with them I thought "I could pray." Nothing the world would see as efficient or noteworthy, but probably the best thing I could do for my family right now.

So, the next time I try to fill my day from morning to night, or the next time I find myself wanting to judge someone for being lazy I need to remember to be still. The simplest thing in the world, yet often the hardest.

Facelift (Part 2): Generosity

2010-06-10T21:18:00.006-04:00

So, what changes have been going on in my life? A lot! Some of you have asked me about the 'facelift' that I mentioned, and when I would post again. Honestly, I have thought about it a few times, but it never seemed the right time. Until now, so here I am. I definitely feel like there has been a lot of 'refining' going on in my life. Some changes still taking place, but I feel like I can start to process them now, and often for me the best way to do that is in writing. So, here goes...

Generosity. Giving. Let's start there. This may not come as much of a surprise, but a lot of times generosity does not come easily to me. In my life I tend to focus a lot on fairness. Who knows what early childhood event or trauma this stems from, but I look at life in a very transactional way, each side of the balance sheet has to equal out. Over the years we have been together Michael has inspired me to be more generous of spirit. He is always quick to help someone out, to offer to lend a friend anything at his disposal, to give of himself, his time, his expertise without expecting anything in return. I love this about him, and aspire to allow God to soften my heart. I fully believe that everything we have, material possessions, gifts, skills, abilities, are from God. They belong to Him, and He entrusts them to us during our time here on earth. So, I don't need to worry about looking out for myself and my interests; God is doing that. I am FREE to share, and to share generously.

This fairness mentality really came to a head with a new baby in the house. Even in the midst of the love affair I am having with Jameson, I found myself struggling with the lack of "fairness." Instead of enjoying putting Jameson to bed, or giving him a bath, I would focus on why I was always the one doing it while Michael could sit downstairs and relax watching TV. It wasn't "fair." When was my time to relax and unwind? I let bitterness creep in, until it hit me: this is a blessing! I get to put my baby to bed at night, read him a story, say his prayers, sing a song, etc. Much too quickly, the day will come when he won't need me for that anymore, and I will treasure the memories of these precious times. The devil was trying to steal that joy, by having me focus on what I wasn't getting instead of enjoying what a tremendous gift was right in front of me. This is just one example of the fairness sturggle, but a big one.

My goal, as it relates to fairness, is to fight it head on. When I start to feel myself reverting to a stance of looking-out-for-me I am going to choose to be generous instead. If I feel like I am doing more than my fair share, instead of complaining or fighting about it, I am going to take on more. If I feel like someone is asking too much of me, instead of being bitter toward them I am going to offer more. For me, right now, I feel like generosity is the opposite of fairness, so I hope to overflow with generosity to all those around me.

Easy? No. Worth it? Absolutely.

Facelift

2010-04-15T11:54:00.002-04:00

Well, if you are reading this blog (not for the first time) you will notice a lot of changes in the color, format, text, etc. It was time for a change. God is working a lot in my life, I am being changed, refined, created anew, and I felt like it was time for the blog to do the same. More details on the changes in my life later. (Currently it is all still in process.) For now, enjoy the changes in the blog. More to follow...

Hold Me

2010-02-19T12:09:00.002-05:00

This week was rough. Jameson had his first cold, poor little guy. It was a rough one...coughing, sneezing, really runny nose, congestion, the works! The first few days he kept up a really good attitude, but the last few days we have had our bouts of inconsolable crying. It is so heartwrenching, to see my little boy with big tears running down his face, his lower lip quivering, totally uncomfortable and not understanding why. He can't understand why he doesn't feel well, or that it is only temporary and will soon go away. He just knows that something isn't right and he doesn't like it. During these times, the only thing that helps is to have me hold him. I can rock him, walk with him, rub his back, hold him tight, and speak soothing words. Sooner or later, he calms down. I can feel his little body relax, see his eyes get heavy as he finally gives in to sleep. I whisper to him, telling him everything is going to be ok, he is going to feel better, Mama is going to be here with him no matter what, and it brings him comfort.

As I've spoken these words over and over to him, I have realized that he just wants to be held and comforted. And that God is just waiting to hold me the same way. When things aren't right in my life, when something is wrong, bothering me, upsetting me, causing me concern, God wants to hold me and share in my pain. Just like Jameson, I don't know why things are rough, or how long a tough patch will last, but if I have faith in God I know that weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. So, even though I don't understand why I may be hurting, and he doesn't know why he doesn't feel well, we can know that it will just last a short time in the grand scheme of things. And just as he knows that when Mama holds him he can relax and let go, I can go to God, ask Him to hold me, and release all that is on my mind. What a freeing thing to do! I am learning so much from my little man...

Surprise!

2010-01-27T21:25:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, Michael surprised me with a party to celebrate my 30th birthday. 30 years. Wow! I had no idea at all, and was totally caught off-guard. I thought we were going to have dinner with friends, and instead we walked into their house filled with my parents, my sister and her fiance, and all my closest friends. We had kids running around, babies crying, a steady steam of women heading upstairs to nurse babies, montiors on to keep track of the napping infants, a run to the emergency room for one dad and son..and it was awesome.

We are blessed beyond words to have these friends. How many people can say their mom would come home from a weeklong vacation and help make food for a surprise party less than 24 hours later? How many friends would offer to host a party at their house, clean, decorate, cook, and put together a video photo show with three kids at home including a 9 week old baby?? How many womeon would venture out into the cold with an 8-day-old baby to share in the celebration?

Needless to say...I am blessed. To be in this environment, surrounded by so much love and caring, to hear the support and encouragement and shared advice, to know these are the people we can go to at any time for any reason when we need them...there are no words to describe the goodness that existed in that place. Such warmth, such love, these are things you don't find often in our world today. No pushing to get ahead, no need to self-promote, to keep up with the Joneses, to prove your worth, just the relaxed atmosphere of coming home to a place where you are truly accepted, appreciated, and loved just for who you are, every hour of every day.

I love you all.

On a side note, this party was on the anniversary of the day last winter when we sat in a cabin in Hocking Hills and told most of these people that I was pregnant. In January we shared that news, in February Tim had a surprise party for Robyn, closely followed by Connie and Katie finding out they were pregnant. Then came Erin's pregnancy, then Tricia's, then the birth of our baby, a surprise party for Michael, the birth of Connie's baby, Katie's baby, Erin's baby, a surprise party for Tim, Robyn's pregnancy, the birth of Tricia's baby, a surprise party for me. Wow, that makes me tired just thinking about it. Can't imagine what the next 12 months will bring...

Christmas

2009-12-22T09:20:00.002-05:00

Today I was reading the Crossroads daily and it discussed how many aspects of Christmas are an interruption to normal life, and how our lives are interrupted when we choose to follow Jesus. I got to thinking about Christmas (this time of year how could you not?) I love the decorations, the trees, the Christmas carols, cookies, get togethers with family and friends. Yes, it can be inconvenient. We have to re-arrange our schedules to make various parties, dinners, etc. We have to get gifts for everyone on our lists. We have to take the time to shop for the ingredients for the cookies and then bake them. The list of each person's Christmas traditions go on and on.

Yet, Christmas gives us a time to be doing things we should be doing all year. Look at the amount of time you spend with your family and friends over the holidays. Why not try to spend more time with them throughout the year, instead of just at this time? And look at the generosity of shopping for the perfect gift that will make a loved one's face light up when she opens it. Isn't there a lot most of us could do to be more generous throughout the year. And while we are on that subject - what about receiving? A lot of us struggle with receiving. It can be an insult to our pride or our independence or sense of fairness. If someone gives to us we feel we have to give something back to keep the balance even. Christmas is a great time for us to practice giving and receiving, but those are principles we need to keep in practice all year long.

And, as I am sitting here watching snow fall outside my window, I am reminded that God is with us every day, washing us white as snow through the sacrifice of his Son. We may be more aware and in tune with that during the Christmas season, but it is true all year long.

First Day

2009-12-21T12:28:00.002-05:00

Wow, today Jameson is 12 weeks old! In some ways those 12 weeks have flown by; in other ways it feels like he has been here forever. I asked Michael the other day what we used to do with ourselves before him. Our lives have totally changed and it is awesome! We have so much to be thankful for, with this beautiful baby who loves to cuddle, who is sleeping longer at night these days, who is developing a personality, smiling and talking to us, reaching and grabbing for toys, kicking his legs, moving his head...he is just hitting all of those milestones. It is awesome to watch it happen!

It hit me this weekend that, if I had worked right up until he was born and taken a full maternity leave, today would be my first day back at work. This Monday of Christmas week I would be headed back to my old job, dropping Jameson off at day care, adjusting to a whole new and different routine. I am so blessed to be in a position where I get to stay at home with him. Since I was young I have felt called to be a stay at home mom when the time came. It isn't easy, that I've learned. There are days I want to cry and pull my hair out, but it is worth it. I love witnessing all of his changes and developments. And now that he is starting to get into more of a predictable routine hopefully I can start doing a better job taking care of the rest of the house, the cleaning, grocery shopping, etc that has fallen by the wayside here recently. These past 12 weeks have been like an alternate life. I think of all the phases we have gone through with him, tough times that seemed interminable as we experienced them, that now I can barely remember. Time is flying by, and I want to remember to cherish every second!

Thankfulness

2009-12-07T12:44:00.002-05:00

Today I read a passage in Ephesians that discussed doing things out of love rather than following a list of rules. Too often I look at life as rules of what I should or should not do, or even more often as a balancing act - what is fair. If we spend 3 hours with Michael's family on a holiday we need to spend an equal amount of time with my family. If I am changing diapers and doing Jameson's laundry how much is Michael helping. It is so easy to look at life in this transactional way. Yet, that is no way to live.

God loves me. He has blessed me with so much, so many things I take for granted every day. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. I have a great house and yard, and I get to stay at home to raise my son. We have plenty of diapers that I don't have to wash every day! We have a diaper pail to put them in. We have a car seat and stroller, I have lots of clothes and shoes, we have a TV and cable. God has blessed us with all of these things, and certainly not because I deserve them! I am guilty of lying, gossiping, judging others, being selfish...the list goes on and on. If God gave me what I deserved what a sorry place I would be in. But no, He gives to me out of love. He pours out these blessings on me because He loves me. He gives me so much better than I could ever earn or deserve.

If this is the way God loves me and treats me, shouldn't I then turn and treat others around me with the same outpouring of love? Instead of worrying about how much Michael does that 'counts' on my list, shouldn't I instead be grateful of the things I have an opportunity to do to help him out? Shouldn't I be glad that I can allow him to spend time with his family on a holiday? Shouldn't I rejoice in the fact that I can change some diapers to take that task off of his plate? Shouldn't I be glad when I can get housework done so he comes home to a clean and sparkling house, instead of focusing on what I did and what he didn't do? Isn't that living in love, as Christ taught us to do?

This gives me a lot to think about. A whole new focus on my daily routines and tasks. And I'm excited about it!!!!

Like Children

2009-11-24T19:49:00.002-05:00

In Matthew, Jesus tells His followers that unless they become like children they will not enter the kingdom of heaven. I have always thought that referred to a level of innocence and trust that children have, and the idea of having blind faith. And, I do think that is a component of what Jesus was getting at. But recently, as I was watching Jameson and reflecting on some things I had read regarding infants' development, I looked at this idea in a new light.

Infants come from a warm, dark, wet, safe environment (the womb) and are suddenly bombarded with a plethora of sights, sounds, smells, tastes, etc that they have never before experienced. There is so much to take in as their senses are inundated with new experiences and sensations every waking moment. It is vitally important for them to have quiet time as well as ample amounts of sleep so as to process all the new information and experiences. During that time their brain pieces together all of these new findings to make sense of them. This helps them understand their surroundings and develop and mature as a person.

Could this be another component of us becoming like children? If we are truly walking with and growing in God, we are likely experiencing new and different things. It could be in the matter of things we are reading, messages we are listening too, things we are hearing from people in our community, experiences in our prayer life, and many, many other things. A natural part of growth is new experiences. But, in our society, we are so fast paced we often don't take time to process these new experiences. Something may catch at our subconconcious, we may have a little niggle in our mind, but often we blow past it, in a hurry to get on with our day. We value efficiency so much that we push thing aside instead of taking the time to understand them. It is seen as 'laziness' or 'weakness' to set aside time to rest, to meditate, to regroup. And what are we missing by doing this? Children wouldn't be able to mature into adults, would not be able to understand this world around them, without that quiet and restful time to process the many new experiences in their lives. If we continued to follow that process as children do, how much deeper of an understanding could we have of the things we experience in our lives everyday?

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here, or maybe I am off on some unrelated tangent, but the thought came to me, and it is something I want to explore further. I must thank Jameson for putting this in my mind!

Overwhelmed

2009-10-23T15:59:00.003-04:00

That is a good word to describe what I have felt in the past almost 4 weeks. Overwhelmed with excitement as I went into labor, and with some pain through the process. Overwhelmed with joy to greet our little boy as he entered the world. It's amazing how you can be overwhelemed in a good way, or a bad way, and sometimes both at the same time.

Over the past few weeks, I have been overwhelmed with the generosity of our family and friends. So many people have brought us meals, given Jameson cards and gifts, called from out of town to see how we are doing. People have taken time out of their busy schedules to help us out and share in our joy. Friends and family have offered their insight and shared their experiences as we have dealth with new things or had issues come up we weren't sure how to deal with. They have taken our calls, stopped by our house, etc. Even doctors and lactation consultants have gone beyond the call of duty to help on weekends or off hours when needed. I can't imagine trying to care for an infant without all of that overwhelming generosity.

Then there has been the down side of being overhwelmed. Overwhelmed with learning how to care for this little guy. Figuring out what is wrong when he cries. Overwhelmed with pain as nursing hasn't been an easy process. Overwhelmed with tiredness after long fussy nights. Overwhelmed with wondering where all the hours in the day went, where I used to get so much done and now can't even find time for a shower. Overwhelmed with how little I know about caring for babies when this little man's whole existence relies on me right now. There is so much to overwhelm me.

But the BEST overwhelming feeling is when I look at his little face and hands and toes and am completely and utterly overwhelmed with how much I love him. I am completely, hopelessly, head over heels in love with this little guy. He is perfect, this treasure, this blessing from God, and I can't begin to thank God enough for him. The other things will work themselves out, but the overwhelming love I am so grateful for, and I know it will just continue to increase with each day. I LOVE JAMESON!

Waiting...

2009-09-25T16:32:00.002-04:00

Well, we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our little boy! I think the entire science of pregnancy is a riot. His due date is tomorrow, yet we are talking about inductions, etc. It really cracks me up! He will come in God's good time, when he is good and ready to be out here in this world. We are so tempted to act like there is a problem in the fact that he hasn't been born yet, or to be impatient, yet we aren't even at the due date, much less 'over due.' Gotta take it all in stride. We love him and are anxious to see him, but he has the rest of his life to live out here in the world; why not enjoy the safety, the warmth, the comfort of the womb as long as possible? Who can blame him?

Heart's Desires

2009-09-22T17:22:00.006-04:00

Our hearts' desires are a powerful thing. Sure, they are the stuff of famous love songs, the plots of books and movies, but when you really think about it, they motivate us in life. What are the desires of your heart? The things you truly seek and know deep inside, things you may keep to yourself, just share with your spouse, things you may hesitate to share with the whole world? I believe that God grants us the desires of our hearts because I believe that He put them there. I believe that He creates those different desires in each of us, and I believe He loves seeing them fulfilled in our lives.

One of my heart's desires has always been to be a wife and mother. More than anything in this world I have felt God calling me to that from a young age. A little over three years ago He fulfilled that desire to be a wife, and now He is in the process of fulfilling the desire to be a mom. (I would say that I am already a mom, my little boy just isn't out here where everyone can see him yet.)

Regarding that desire to be a mom, I have always had a strong desire not to have labor induced. Not saying induction is right or wrong categorically, just that I have always felt it wasn't right for me. That feeling has not gone away during this pregnancy, despite the fact that, because of the Factor V and heparin injections, my doctors have all talked to me about induction, numerous times. I feel that the strong desires of our hearts, our dreams and passions, are placed there by God, and He will fulfill them. I trust Him in that. As I have dealt with the doctors I have asked God repeatedly to show me if my heart needs to change on this subject. I have asked Him to call me out if this is me trying to control things or do things my way, instead of His. Yet not once have I felt that conviction change. I know this is what God wants.

Today, I get a call from my doctors office again telling me they want me to schedule an induction. I explained to the nurse that I do not want an induction, unless they are telling me that there is a problem or concern from today's ultrasound. Is there anything wrong? No, they tell me. He scored a perfect 8 on his biophysical profile. Amniotic fluid levels are good, he is doing his practice breathing, he measures well. I have been having intermittent contractions for the past few days. Things are progressing. So, I reiterate, I would rather wait and let it happen naturally. Now they want me to go in to meet with the doctor tomorrow to 'discuss.'

I am steeping myself, my baby, and this entire process in prayer. I am so glad that it is in God's hands. I am so glad that we can turn ourselves over to his protection and not worry about anything (Phil 4:6) and that through Him all things are possible (Phil 4:13). He wants us to be healthy and prosper (3 John 1:2). I do not have to fear, for He is with me and will strengthen me (IS 41:10.) I can cast all my anxiety on Him (1 Peter 5:7.) And Psalm 22:9 tells me He will bring this baby safely from my womb. Wow. He is stronger than any other power, and He is on my side. What have I to fear?

Blind Faith

2009-09-02T22:10:00.002-04:00

As I was going about my daily errands today, I was thinking about the baby, as I often do. I was thinking about all the questions I ask the doctor, the things I research online. The questions about what I should be eating, what medications to take or not to take, how my working out will affect him, the list goes on and on. I know myself, and I tend to overanalyze things. For example, it's not enough to just ask my doctor a question and take his answer and do it. I also have to read about it in a book, or search it online, pray about it, talk to Michael, etc. So, today, I thought to myself "wow, wouldn't life be easier if I was one of those people who could just accept what her doctor told her and follow it on blind faith, no questions asked?"

And it hit me, like a mack truck, that I am so blessed to be able to trust God that way. I don't have to overanalyze, I don't have to find all the scientific answers. What I need to do is pray, take time to hear what God is telling me, and then trust Him enough to follow it. It isn't enough just to say repeated prayers about it. I have to take time to listen to his response. After that, it isn't enough just to follow whhere I sense Him leading, but I need to continue to trust Him. Sometimes it's easy, in the moment, to follow through on something. But then, when some time has gone by, it's easy to let fear creep in, to forget what He has told me, what He has promised, and try to take control back myself. I start to second guess, worry, re-figure things out, but I don't need to do that! I can have blind faith in my God, and know that He will never lead me wrong. There is such comfort in that. In knowing that I don't have to have all the answers, I just have to talk to the God who does!

What a Miracle!

2009-08-21T13:39:00.002-04:00

The past eight months have been such an amazing experience for us! Everything I have read, everything I have experienced as this baby has grown inside of me, has brought me closer and closer to God. Reading about how the baby is developing each week, how his fingernails and toenails are growing, how his hair grows, when his heart starts beating, how he practices breathing, how his internal organs develop - it is amazing. And then, to feel him move, to feel the hiccups and kicks and somersaults, to see my entire stomach move and quiver - there are no words to describe how that feels. And, to read and experience how my body is changing to accomodate him, from increased blood volume to the growing uterus to everything that will occus during labor and delivery...wow! I experience all of this, and am just in awe of God. He created us this way, He is knitting this little baby together in me, He is causing my body to respond the way it needs to for this little guy. He is amazing! And, all the overwhelming love I feel for this little guy is just a fraction of what God feels for him and for me and for every one of his children out there. Our God is an amazing God!

Community

2009-08-14T16:37:00.002-04:00

I love community. I think the wonderful people God places in our lives are among the most precious gifts he gives us. To have people to have fun with, live life with, turn to when you need help, celebrate the good times, offer advice...I just can't imagine life without them. Why the focus on community right now? Because this week a good friend in my community really helped me out.

I love being pregnant. I really do. Despite some of the unfortunate side effects, I love having this little guy grow inside of me, I love feeling him move and kick and hiccup. But, sometimes the exhaustion and hormones get the best of me, which is what happened this week. I was feeling tired and down, I was being hard on myself for not being more productive and getting things checked off of my to-do list. It was rough. I was tempted to cry myself into a nap, but decided a better approach would be to call a good friend who has been through all this before. She picked up the phone and asked how I was and I burst into tears immediately. I couldn't even talk. And she was AWESOME! She talked to me, understood what I was going through. She offered advice and sympathized all at the same time. She didn't make me feel inadequate, or that I was wasting her time during a busy day. She asked me questions and told me about her experiences, she totally turned my entire day around. And, she called me again the next day to ask if I was doing better.

What would we do without friends like that? I love my husband, but he has never been pregnant so can't understand what I am going through. I love God and know He is there for me, but sometimes it is nice to have a physical voice to hear you out and talk back. I am blessed beyond belief to have such great people in my life and I thank God for them. I hope I get the opportunity to return the favor!

God Gave Us a Tahoe!

2009-07-29T12:56:00.003-04:00

I just LOVE when God works in our lives. There are constant reminders of his love and action on our part, if we would just choose to see them. The past week has been a busy one for us. Last year we had started looking at SUVs, knowing my little 2-door was not going to be feasible once we had a baby. There were some good deals at the time, but we felt like we should wait until we 'needed' a car. I wasn't pregnant yet at that point, so we decided to hold off. Now, with me at 30 weeks last week, we were definitely feeling like the time was right. We have been looking, trying to find a deal, and my wonderful husband did some research to determine exactly what price, mileage, features, etc we wanted to see to make it the right package. I asked him over the weekend if he had prayed about it. He hadn't, but said he would, and I did as well. Last Monday he came home from work and told me he wanted to show me a vehicle on Craig's list. It was in Louisville, was the car we wanted, but higher on miles and on price than we were ideally looking for. When he logged on to show it to me there was another one, also in Louisville, also what we wanted, fewer miles and lower price! He emailed them immediately. Long story short he really hit it off with these people, we drove to Louisville the next afternoon and bought the car. We got everything we were looking for at a good price. Praise God! I fully believe He gave us this car to keep our new little one safe as we drive him around town.

Then came the process of cleaning up my car to sell. Michael was great at getting it cleaned up and ready for market. We prayed about selling it, put it on Craig's list, had 3 calls within a couple of hours and sold it that night! God has blessed us beyond measure.

Why does this world make it so easy to doubt Him, to think He isn't there or doesn't care about our day to day lives? Why do we get out of the habit of talking to Him, bringing our cares to Him, asking for His help and guidance? He is happy to give it, we just need to ask, but we are too often caught up in taking care of ourselves. I want to rely on Him instead. I choose to rely on Him instead. His ways are better than mine, His plan greater, and I want to be part of it!

Hiccups!

2009-07-26T21:35:00.003-04:00

OK, so tonight we are sitting on the couch and I felt the baby moving (he is SO active anymore - it is great!) and I started laughing. Michael asked what was going on and I told him I have no idea what the little guy is doing but he is moving around a lot. It kept happening and then I realized it is the baby with hiccups! It was the cutest thing. Just lasted a couple of minues, but was a regular rhythmic thing. It was so precious I got tears in my eyes! God is just so good to us, giving us this little guy. I pray every day that he will show us how to be the best parents we can be for this guy. He is infinitely precious and dear to us, and we know he is even moreso to God. Every kick and punch (and hiccup!) is a blessing!

Showers of Love

2009-07-13T17:14:00.003-04:00

On Saturday Little Bean and I had our first baby shower! My sister hosted it for us and did a fabulous job! The food the decorations, the games - everything was top-notch! It was so amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family members who love us and are excited to meet this little guy. I was seriously overwhelmed by the generosity of people, in gifts, in their time, and in the fact that I know they will be around as this little guy grows and learns throughout his life. I typically have a tough time receiving. I remember at my bridal showers being very self-concious about opening all those gifts people had given me. This time, though, they were gifts for my son, and it was so exciting to see it all. I can't wait to get things organized, washed, put away, and the room ready for his arrival.

As I think back on the event itself, my overwhelming impression is of joy and love. This room full of people who mean so much to me all together, talking, getting to know each other, sharing ideas, tips, and advice. People who anticipate the arrival of this little one. People he will get to know, who will shape his personality. People who love him and me and Michael and will continue to do so throughout our lives. The entire event was fun and joyful and overwhelming. Currently all of the cards people gave us are up in our living room, and our den is full of gifts waiting to be organized and put away. Every time I look at them I am again overwhelmed by these wonderful people we know.. God has been so good, and will continue to be so good, to us.

Our Little Bean

2009-06-29T07:58:00.003-04:00

For the past several days I have felt this little bean move more and more than I have before. He must be getting bigger and stronger, because in the past I would feel him a little bit at different points during the day, but now it is happening all the time, and the feelings are stronger. It's not just the sharp kicks and jabs that I feel, but I feel him stretching or turning over. It is great!

It has got me thinking even more about what a miracle this is. I was praying this morning, and just praising God for this wonderful little guy that He has created. It is amazing and comforting all at the same time to know that He has known this child from conception. Before I even knew I was pregnant, God knew. And He knew it was a boy, and what color his eyes will be (they open this week!) and what his favorite color will be, and what he will want to be when he grows up. What an honor to have a God who knows and cares so much for my child.

I was thinking that, even now, God is preparing the road for this child. He is knitting together other children who will be his friends and classmates. Somewhere right now He is training up a teacher who will impact my child's life. He is developing the man or woman who will someday be his boss, and his co-workers. He is training a great person who will lead him in Kids Club and help him learn more about Jesus. He is forming the perfect woman to be his wife. Amazing!

And this child that He has formed isn't just a coincidence. It's not just that we happened to conceive on a certain date, so this is the baby we are having. God put this specific child together as the perfect child for me and Michael. This is the child He created for us and I just ask His blessings on our family, giving us great relationships, giving us knowledge and discernment as parents to raise this little guy right.

Called To Be A Wife

2009-06-28T21:37:00.005-04:00

Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on being a wife. Maybe this is because I am thinking so much about the baby, the changes that will occur in our life, etc, I don't know, but it has been on my mind a lot. Everybody has a different idea of what being a wife is all about. For some people it is a decision they made, something that just happened, something they put up with, a status that causes them to expect something or certain treatment from their husbands, etc. But I truly feel I am called by God to be a wife. For some of you that might make total sense, for others you may be scratching your heads. But I feel that God has called me to be a wife to Michael, and that is one of the most important callings in my life (along with being God's daughter, a mother, etc.)

So, what does it mean to be called to be a wife? For me, it changes day to day, but fundamentally it means I am to honor, respect, and submit to my husband. Lately that has come to fruition in a lot of little things in my life. For example, I used to be obsessed with efficiency. (God is helping me to let go of this one.) When Michael and I are both at home, if he is working on a yard project I feel like I should be getting the laundry done, or the dishes put away, you get the idea. But often he asks me to help him. My help is usually fetching this or that, or being an extra set of eyes, or even just sitting and talking to him while he is working. That used to grate on me a bit. I had other things on my to do list that I needed to get to and wouldn't the efficient use of time be for us to both work on our chores simultaneously? But what I have learned is that there is a lot of joy in spending that time together. When we are doing things like that together we end up talking, sharing ideas, telling about our day or something we are thinking about, just doing life together, and that brings us closer as a couple. The dishes will be there for me to do later, and laundry can get put away tomorrow, but that time together is precious and priceless.

It also means trying to think of things from his point of view. Simple little things, that may not mean much to me but do to him. In our house, I know he loves to have the island in our kitchen clear of cluttler and cleaned off. It's a little thing, but the first thing he sees when he walks through the door. I have a habit of leaving odds and ends or mail or what have you on there, or not thoroughly wiping it down every time I use it. But, if I make an effort to spend a minute cleaning it off before he comes home, it can make a big difference for him. Maybe that sounds like a 1950s wife to you, but to see the smile on his face when he walks through the door, it makes all the difference.

And on the submission piece...before you quit reading on me, hear me out. I know the idea of the submissive wife is not exactly trendy in our society. But I have done some study on the Biblical principles surrounding marriage, and that is what Jesus called us to be as wives, and who am I to argue with Him? Besides, submission doesn't mean I am a doormat, that I have no opinion, and that Michael dominates everything. What it does mean is that I share my opinion in a respectful way, not shouting or demanding or fighting or crying to get my way. I can calmly and rationally discuss what I think with him, and we can work things out together. (By the way, because I am married to a Godly man who knows that Jesus tells him to love his wife as Christ loved the church, that also means he would never take advantage of my submission, but will seek to make decisions that honor me!) What I have learned in practicing submission is there is a lot of liberation in it! It is amazing how much less stress I feel when I realize that, when tough things come up, I can hand it over to Michael and let him take responbsibility. It is freeing! When I try to take charge and do things my way, I end up with an enourmous sense of stress and tension, but when I turn it over to him, and know he will take care of things, I feel free and joyful!

Anyway, these are just small examples, but I find that more and more God is calling me to try to understand things from my husband's point of view, or do little things that I know will help him out, make him happy, or ease his day. Sometimes I ignore those inner promptings, but I'm always sorry when I do, because when I follow through on them it brings a new joy and closeness in our marriage that can only benefit all of us!

My Amazing Godly Husband

2009-06-08T20:45:00.002-04:00

Is there anything better than being married to a godly man? I know I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband, but a couple of things lately really drove that home to me even more than usual. First, there was our wonderful, wonderful anniversary celebration last week. Our anniversary was last Wednesday, a day full of a flooded basement, meetings for Michael, and barely a moment to even see each other. Yet, in the middle of his busy day, he still found time to bring home a dozen red roses. He totally made my day, despite all the time I had to spend sucking water out of our basement carpet!

Then, Saturday night he took me out for a fabulous night on the town! We haven't been out in awhile, you can chalk it up to me being tired, us watching our money, busy with family and friends, etc, but it was a big deal to have a great night out! And, my night out included some sushi and some wine, all of course on the pregnancy 'no-no' list. Michael totally encouraged me to celebrate on our anniversary and asked me several times during the week if I was going to have some wine at our dinner. I had told him yes, because I really felt God was ok with that. While we were having dinner Michael looked across the table at me and asked if I was worried about the wine. I told him no. His response? "Good, because God is taking care of our baby." Wow! That is how I feel too, and it was so nice to hear him confirm that and to know we are on the same page with trusting God to protect our child. I just looked at him with such admiration, realizing all over how amazing this man is. (By the way, he also gave me an amazing necklace for our anniversary. It has two diamonds in it. He told me one is for me, one for the baby. I about cried, it was so sweet!)

Today, Michael also helped God answer a prayer. After leaving my job, we have been dealing with all of the paperwork and logistics of getting me switched on to Michael's insurance. Nothing horrible, just the general run around you get from insurance companies. Anyway, I had prayed about it, asking God to make everything go smoothly, no hiccups along the way, just easy, breezy, presto. Today was the day Michael was first able to file all the paperwork with his insurance company. They told him it would take several weeks to process it and get me a new insurance card, and I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. He called them to talk through it, and long story short, he got me a temporary insurance card today so that there is no problem tomorrow. I thanked God for answering my prayer, and for using my husband to do it. Beautiful!

Wow!

2009-06-01T07:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was blessed to get to hear from some people who are truly walking with God. Three people from Crossroads are in the process of selling off homes and businesses to move to Mamelodi, South Africa. For anyone out there not familiar, Crossroads has developed a partnership with a church over there. We have worked together on many things, with teams going back and forth between the two churches at various times. I have several good friends who have gone on week long trips to Mamelodi and come back with amazing stories of growth and seeing God first hand. But these people are going even one step further, following a calling from God to move there permanently. (You will be able to hear all about it on Crossroads website if you like. http://www.crossroads.net/)

I don't know if God will ever call me to something as big and visible as that trip. He may, or He may call me to be a great mothere right here in Cincinnati, or to reach out to someone who will then in turn be the person to move far away and do something grandiose. I have no idea, but I was inspired to hear their story. Whether what God calls me to do is what Brian Tome referred to as 'grunt work' or 'glory work' I want to be in tune with Him so that I can follow that calling. What I am learning is that in my life a lot of times that means slowing down. It is hard to hear God when I am trying to cram too many things into a day, a week, my life. As much as that feels efficient in the world's eyes, something to be glorified in getting everything done off of my to-do list, it isn't bringing glory to God, or bringing me in closer contact with Him, which is after all what I want. It is amazing how, when I spend some time with Him, suddenly the rest of my day falls into place. He multiplies my time and smooths the way for things to get done. Or, when things aren't done as quickly or easily as I would like He gives me a better attitude and it doesn't bother me.

It's funny - when I am spending time with Him, walking with Him, hearing from Him, everything in life is so much better! Yet it is so easy for me to forget that, to get caught up in my lists and my agendas without spending time with Him, and how quickly I then get off track. It is an ever-evolving process as to how my time with Him works, but I need it to work to continue on the growth and path that I want with Him in my life.

Prayer

2009-05-13T08:06:00.002-04:00

Yep, two posts in one day. I am feeling called to ask for some prayers. I don't know who will see this, or when, but God has shown me this morning that I could use some prayers from my community.

For the past week, I have had one of the worst allergy attacks of my life. I am used to allergies. I have had them for years, they are bad every spring, I take a variety of drugs to ward off the worst symptoms and wait them out until the pollen and all that craziness has died down and I get back to normal. This year they have been particularly bad though, maybe because I can't take any of my usual cocktail of OTC drugs. I have been miserable, not sleeping, and keeping poor Michael up in the process. At my doctor appointment this week I asked him about it and he prescribed a nasal spray that he assured me would not affect that baby at all, but would help me. I then went through 24 hours of struggling with whether that was true, should I take it or just suffer through for the good of the baby. I don't want to do anything that might hurt our child, but I realized that that attitude was not about protection for the baby, but was more about me living in fear. If I truly believe that God is all-powerful and that he is knitting this child together and knows all about him, then surly I can trust Him to not let this medication have any effect on my child. I had to come to grips with that, and repend to the Lord of my spirit of fear and recommit to living my life in Him and trusting Him.

This all happened last night. Then this morning, in reading the blog of a wise friend, it hit me that I need to pray to be delivered from these allergies. I have been praying that my child will not be afflicted with allergies, but I did not pray to God to take them away from me. Why not? Because I have had them all my life, I am used to them, I expect them? Is it worse than that? In some way do I enjoy the 'suffering' or my husband feeling bad for me? I pray to God for deliverance for the 'big things' that occur in life - do I not consider this a 'big thing?' The more I have thought about it, I believe these allergy attacks come from the devil. God doesn't want me suffering and miserable. He doesn't want me feeling like I need to be confined indoors instead of out enjoying his nature during this beautiful time of year. He doesn't want me sick or suffering, any more than I want my baby sick or suffering. I am His child and He wants good things for me.

So, I am praying. Better late than never, I am asking God to deliver me from the allergies. Not because I am fearful of the medicine, but because I believe that is what He wants, and I want to be in His will, I want to reflect Him image. Will you join me in that prayer, for deliverance from my allergies, and anything that may be holding you back in your life that you haven't recognized as such?

God Is So Good

2009-05-13T08:01:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I feel the need to say this today, more than any other day, except that He is. For some reason, for no particular reason, this morning I have been overwhelmed by His goodness and His love for me, and all His children.

Since I haven't been working (truly a blessing from Him) I have been struggling with my days. Contrary to what so many people think about being bored if they weren't at work, I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to keep up with the house, errands, special projects, things to help out Michael, working out, getting ready for Baby, and spending time with God. Many days I have been waking up already feeling some stress about what all I need to get done that day and how I am going to accomplish it. Today was different though. I still have a lot to do, but felt called to spend some time praying and checking out some blogs while eating breakfast. These reminded me anew how great our God really is. I am starting my day a little 'behind' according to my agenda, but I think I am right on track for God's agenda, and isn't that what really matters?

I'm glad He showed me what to with myself for a few minutes this morning. I want to live in Him all the time. I want to reside in His will. It is amazing how, when I do that, everything else just seems to fall into place, or doesn't seem to matter. I know that, yet still at times I let myself get caught up in the world. Not today!

2009-05-06T10:19:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I am still amazed at how God provides for His children. I know that He loves me, and that I have put everything in my life in His hands. He always provides, yet I am still sometimes surprised by it. I guess it is good that I don't take it for granted and am still so thankful and amazed when He showers me with His love.

Here is an example that happened to me this week. On Monday I was thinking about our baby. I love this little guy so much already that it sometimes brings me to tears. I was thinking about all the wonderful things that I want to give this baby. I want him to have the world. But it hit me that, most of all, I want to give him God. I want to teach Him about Jesus, I want to model a good relationship with God. I want to take him to church, teach him to pray, raise him in a Christian community. I pray that he will know God and walk with Him all his life. Anything outside of that, all the material possessions, aren't as important. So, I spent some time in prayer and told God all of that. I asked Him to help me raise my chlid in Him, and told Him that I would trust Him for the rest, for all the material 'things' that I want him to have. With me not working these days the idea of all the 'things' we need and the cost of them has taken a bit more prominence in my mind.

On Tuesday, I was surprised to find a box on our porch. It was a very generous gift off of our registry. Most people don't even know we are registered yet, as I have just been trying to get that done. We couldn't find a card or anything, and spent several hours wondering where it came from before we finally found a packing slip. A friend had sent it out of the blue. A coincidence that just 24 hours earlier I had told God I would trust Him to provide for this baby? I don't think so. He is so good!!!! It was like He just wanted to show me that He heard me and He loves that I am trusting Him and He is confirming that He will provide. I love Him!

Freedom!

2009-05-02T21:14:00.005-04:00

Tonight I was reading in Psalm 118, particularly verse 5: In my anguish I cried to the Lord and he answered by setting me free. Over the course of this last week God has truly set me free. Let me first say, I love the way he speaks in our life. I was reading a work of fiction last night that mentioned Psalm 118. So, today, I decided to read it, and it was like words right from my mouth to God. It was perfect to express my thanks to Him for the work He has done in this specific situation in my life. It was like the Holy Spirit interceding on my behalf to help me pray what I needed to without even knowing it. And it stemmed from a work of fiction. God is good!

Some of you may know that I recently resigned from my job. I am now a stay-at-home-mom! It is truly exciting, and God really has set me free. Needless to say, there was a lot of detail, thought, prayer, agonizing over, and discussing this decision. It was a long process and I won't bore you with the details, but the important thing is that I learned so much from God as I went through it.

I learned that God does speak to me. He gives me discernment, and I need to grow in my ability to accept that from Him without questioning it. I spent a lot of time in that questioning period, wondering if this was really what God wanted or if it was coming from me. A very wise friend pointed out James 1:1-8 that really helped with that. I realized that God was putting this on my heart because it was His desire. I went throught a very different situation, but with similar questioning about whether I was hearing from God or myself, over the past two years. I only just recently had it confirmed through multiple people in my community that what I was hearing in that situation was from God. And this time I came to that realization faster. So I am learning! He is working in me! That discernment and being able to hear from Him are things I have been praying for for quite awhile, and it is incredible to see those prayers answered!

I also learned that God wants me to be free. Free from evil situations, free from dealing with unethical people, free from concerns about money/finances/security. I'm not saying those things won't come up in various ways at different points in my life. but for them to be all-consuming, taking all of my energy, and robbing me of my joy isn't right. As another good friend put it, God is giving me the joy of this pregnancy and hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time, and all sorts of other miraculous things. He gives me that joy, and Satan has no right to rob me of it. He can only steal it from me if I let him. So, I am not letting him.

Embarking on this new phase of my life is exciting and scary all at the same time. It is different than anything I have done before. It is out of the normal for me. I know I will be questioned by various people about this decision, and a lot of society will not understand it. But I do. And God does. And my family and community does. I am doing what God wants, and it is the most liberating thing there is. There is still a lot to figure out and work through, but the bottom line is that God is on my side. This is what He wanted, and He isn't going to abandon me now. He will keep showing me how to move forward, I just need to keep allowing Him to do that. This freedom is spilling over into other areas of my life - more to come on that later.

Worry

2009-04-22T14:49:00.002-04:00

So, I know that worry is not of God. We are not supposed to worry, but to trust everything to Him. I worked on this a lot when I first found out I was pregnant. It was easy to worry over every little thing, but I practiced giving it all over to God, trusting Him, meditating on verses that spoke to this. And it helped! Tremendously. I haven’t gotten caught up in every little thing, I have been at peace, and it has been great. Then, lately, I started to worry about worrying. Does that make any sense? There are a lot of people in my life right now who are pregnant, and just speaking with them, hearing things they are thinking, doing, etc, had me feeling down on my myself. I worried about the fact that I am not worrying! Does that make me a bad mother? Am I slacking in some of the things I should be doing? Why are all of these other women worried about so many things that I am not considering. I started to get down on myself, to feel like I am not doing the right things for my baby. Then I realized this is a different kind of worry.

I have given this baby and this pregnancy to God. He is watching over us and will protect and guide and develop us. I don’t have to worry about every little thing I eat or drink or do. I don’t have to religiously read every website and book out there, or pour over the ingredients of every product I may eat or use or touch. Those things don’t make me a Godly mother. Praying over my child, his/her future, our parenting skills, our family relationship, those things are important. Spending time reading the Word instead of labels – that will ground us. So, not only do I not have to worry, but I don’t have to worry about worrying. I am so grateful to serve a God that provides and takes care of me. I am so thankful that He doesn’t want me to worry, and doesn’t grade me on those things. He loves me, and wants me to have life to the full and find joy in Him. How awesome is He?!

Community

2009-04-12T20:32:00.000-04:00

Whether we recognize it as such or not, we all have communities we are a part of. Family, various groups of friends, colleagues at work, sports teams or volunteer groups, neighborhoods…the list goes on and on. One thing I have really been convicted of lately is the value of our spiritual community. This isn’t the church we go to, or denomination we belong to, but rather a smaller, intimate community, a small group if you will, of people with whom you can be totally open and vulnerable. Too often in life, with the other communities we know, we have to worry about appearances, or perceptions, or what others will think. If you don’t have a small group, imagine this: a group of friends that is there for you no matter what, at the drop of a hat. People who will allow you to cry on their should or will celebrate with you. People you can share everything with, and I mean everything. All the insecurities, the fears, the struggles. Things that you may worry people will judge you about, or think less of you if they knew. This isn’t a ‘book club’ that studies a topic together; this is a group that really ‘does life together.’
I am blessed to be part of such a group. If one of us is having a personal issue they can call anyone else to talk about it and get prayer and support. If a large concern comes up everyone will drop their plans for the evening to get together and help. If someone needs help painting a bedroom or moving to a new house, someone is on board to help out. If someone is struggling with a ‘biggie:’ considering a job change, a serious illness in the family, a move, a major temptation to sin, marital problems, financial problems, lack of faith, intimacy issues….you get the point…it is all fair game. There is no judgment, no secrets, just love and acceptance and grace and help. It’s not the easiest thing to find, and like any relationship it has to be nurtured and grown, but it is such a beautiful thing. You will be amazed at how God will use these people in your community to grow you! How one of them will speak something that perfectly confirms what you have been thinking or feeling. How someone will have been through exactly what you are going through and has advice on how to help. How someone will commit to pray for you and follow up with you as you work through something. How God uses you to build each other, develop each other, and speak His words to each other. I am so blessed by these people in my life, my community. I am so excited for the growth we will experience together, and for the community they will provide for our child as he/she grows!

I Choose Joy

2009-04-05T13:05:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been realizing how much exists out there to pull us down. This world has a lot of unhappy aspects. Some I think are just unfortunate circumstances or the decisions of people around us, while others I firmly believe are examples of evil and the devil trying to attack us. Regardless, it is so easy to let the things of this world get us down. Stress at work, or maybe tension with a co-worker or an unfair situation. The economy and all the negative publicity and talk surrounding that. Illnesses or struggles those close to us are going through. Dreary gloomy rainy days. Too much on the to-do list and not enough time in the day to get it done. That constant struggle to keep up. And this is just naming a few!

Wow, that was kind of depressing to write, but necessary because it gets me to my point. God wants to give us joy!!! He does. He is our father and He loves us. Who of you would not want your children to have joy? Here are several verses that speak to this point:

Deuteronomy 16:15For seven days celebrate the Feast to the LORD your God at the place the LORD will choose. For the LORD your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.
John 15:11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
John 16:24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

God wants us to have joy, but He needs to be the source of that joy. It is easy to find moments of joy: A fun night out with friends. A weekend to sleep in and relax. An upcoming trip. The anticipated arrival of a new baby. A day of shopping (or golfing or whatever it is you like to do.) But that joy is fleeting. It is fun for the moment, but does not last. God offers us lasting joy. His joy can fill us during those fun times, but also during the tough ones I mentioned first. His joy can sustain me and make me smile even when I am having the most miserable day at work. His joy can pick me up even when I am not feeling well. His joy can bring a smile to my lips and a song to my heart as I am just walking down the street.

His word tells me I need to ask for this joy, and I need to trust Him for it, and He will make it complete. I have found that, in order to have this joy, I need to keep my focus on Him all day. From the moment I first wake up in the morning I need to be praying. As I am getting my day started I need to praise Him for all the wonderful things He is and does. I need to repent for the areas of sin in my life. I need to ask Him for what I need, instead of trying to figure it out on my own. I need to slow down to hear Him in my life. And when I do that, consistently throughout the day, He gives me joy!

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means an expert on this! The reason I am learning all of this is because right now I am struggling with not having that inner joy in my life. Sure, there are many things in my life to be joyful about. Case in point, this little baby I can’t wait to meet. But, I also realize it is so unfair of me to pin my joy on this child. Or my husband, or a friend. They cannot bring me lasting joy. That is not their job; it is not in their make up. And if I focus all my joy on the excitement of this coming child that puts a really unfair expectation on him or her. Not that I can’t be joyful about the baby, and find joy in his/her development and the time we will spend together, but that needs to be outside of the deep inner joy that only God can give me. Otherwise I am expecting way too much from this child, and setting him/her up to fail those expectations. And the same can be said for my spouse, my parents, my friends. I can have joy with all of them, but they cannot be the source of my joy.

This is a learning process for me. I am trying to learn more about how I access God’s joy, how to internalize it and make it part of my daily life. What about you? Does anyone out there have more insight into God’s joy and integrating it into your daily life? I would love to learn!

Indescribable Love

2009-03-31T21:21:00.001-04:00

How is it possible to feel so much love for someone I have never met, seen, touched, talked to, etc? And yet every day I am overwhelmed with the love I feel for this tiny life growing inside of me. I pray for this baby, his health and development in the womb, and his life as he grows. I pray that God will show me and Michael how to be good parents, how to raise him well and parent to his needs and personality. I pray that he will be blessed in so many ways as he grows up. I pray so many big and small things for him. I envision our future, scenes from our family life to come. I can picture our newborn baby coming home from the hospital. I can picture him/her dragging a favorite blankie or stuffed animal around the house. I can see us at the beach, playing in the waves together. Even though this child can’t understand my words, I talk to him/her. I whisper words of love, and dreams of the future throughout the day.
And it gives me a whole new appreciation for God’s love for me. How much He loves me, His child. How much He cares for me and wants good things for me and wants to grow and develop me. He has such plans for me, if I would just take the time to know him and understand the plan He has laid out for me. He wants the best for me, and is going to do everything He can (and everything I will let Him do) to grow me and mature me and make me a good person and to give me a good life. He speaks to me, even if I don’t always understand what He is saying or take the time to hear His words. Just like this baby will grow and learn and eventually understand what I am saying, if I spend time in God’s word and in a community of believers and in prayer I will learn to understand Him, and how to have a more meaningful conversation with Him, and understand what He is telling me in my life. I am His child, and He is raising me every day.

Pregnant Skiing

2009-03-29T19:23:00.001-04:00

Yep, sounds like a funny title for a post, but it was a big deal for me. Many of you know that I had a ski trip to Colorado planned for late February. When I found out I was pregnant I thought I would have to cancel it. My wise husband told me to still go, I could enjoy the time off, the scenery, the outdoors, time with my mom and sister, etc. So, I kept the tickets. As we got closer to the date we had two doctor appointments, one with the neonatologist, one with my OB. My OB told me absolutely not to ski. The specialist though said that if I knew how to ski, took it easy, rested a lot, and stuck to easier slopes I should be ok. Hmm, what to do with two differing doctor opinions? Pray! I prayed, and Michael did the same, and he told me he thought I should ski, assuming I got out there and felt ok. I thought I would try to ski one morning, and he told me he thought I would be up to skiing two mornings. Gotta love his faith! So, I went out and I skied! I took it easy, stuck to the slower slopes, took my time and rested, all those good things, but you know what? It was amazing. It was quiet time, to think and pray and enjoy God’s creation. I saw the beautiful snow, amazing mountains, gorgeous trees, the works. And I got to praise God for His creation. I got to experience my little sister looking out for me, skiing behind me to make sure I was ok and didn’t need help. I got to enjoy a sport that I love that I don’t get to participate in often. It was such a blessing from God to have that opportunity, and I am so thankful for it. He showed me when to stop, when to rest, when to give it up for the day, but I got to enjoy a lot that I didn’t think I would. He is so good to His children! He loves to give us blessings and allow us to enjoy life!

Breakdown

2009-03-16T20:57:00.004-04:00

Pregnancy will give you more physical and emotional experiences than you have ever had in your life. For those of you who haven't experience it yet, just wait. Of course, there are all the physical symptoms - the cravings, the nausea, the weight gain...and I won't go into other gory details. But the emotional changes are out of this world. Between the hormones and exhaustion it is easy to lose all sense of perspective. I can go from being all happy and loving to quiet and withdrawn, unable to explain what is wrong. The smallest thing can set me off on a crying jag that I can't explain or put a stop to. This happened to me in a major way just a few weeks after we found out about the pregnancy. It was a low-key Sunday hanging around the house, and I was being a bit reclusive all day. Michael asked a couple of times what was wrong and I told him nothing, couldn't really explain anything, and I think, truth be told, I ended up a bit frustrated with Michael for asking me what was wrong. Finally, close to bedtime, I just broke down sobbing. I couldn't explain what was wrong, after all I am happy to be pregnant, but I couldn't stop crying. My husband is so wonderful he just held me. He rubbed on my back and my shoulders and my hair, spoke soothing words to me, told me he loved me, and let me cry. He couldn't understand exactly what I was going through, but he understood that I needed him. God gave me this wonderful husband, this perfect match who understands me and what I am going through and is my rock, my shelter, my caretaker when I need it. He ministered to me in the perfect way, just when I needed it, so I could get over my emotions and rest.

I am excited by the changes God is working in my life. I am learning to better communicate with God, and with Michael. I am hearing Him in so many ways, and learning to rely on Him when I can't even understand myself. I feel so loved and cared for that God provides for me and watches out for me in my down times, and provided me with such a wonderful husband to do the same. How blessed can one girl be?

God Provides

2009-03-16T20:51:00.005-04:00

Don't you love when God just provides??? I do. So many seemingly 'little things' happen in our lives every day that we take for granted, or get frustrated about, as the case may be, but we fail to recognize God's hand in our life. Case in point: Michael came home from a long weekend trip, back to a crazy day at work on Monday, and called me to ask if I would be upset if he missed our doctor's appointment on Thursday. (Side note: old Mandy would have immediately gotten upset and pouty with him, feeling unloved and rejected and put out that he wasn't going to come. Credit all my learning from Daughters of Sarah with helping me to be a more loving and respectful wife!) So, I took a deep breath and told him that no, I would not be upset. I would really like him to be there, but I understand if he has to work, that a client commitment has come up, I understand. He asked like 3 times if I was upset, and I told him no. A bit later I emailed him, telling him I would call the doctor and push back the appointment if he wanted me to, or go without him, whichever he preferred I was fine with. And his response - his meeting that morning got rescheduled and that is the only free time he has all week, so he will be at the appointment with me. I thanked God right then and there! I know a lot of people would call that coincidence, but I don't. I know that was my Father providing for me, and for our family, giving us that time to have that doctor visit together. I am so thankful for the ways He watches out for us every day!

Changes In Us

2009-03-16T20:43:00.004-04:00

Getting ready to have a baby and be responsible for a new life sure brings about a lot of introspection. Michael and I have both examined so many aspects of our life, and it's funny some of the things we both realize we want to change. Things about ourselves, aspects of our relationship, how we interact, things that bother us, all sort of things big and small. One thing we have really been committed to, though, it not putting that burden on our child. What does that mean? This baby may have made us realize our need to change, but we are not changing because of the baby. That would put a lot of pressure on this innocent little child, that he/she caused his/her parents to make life changes or act a certain way. I don't want this child to enter the world with burdens or expectations placed on him or her. I want this baby to be born fully loved and cherished for exactly who God created him/her to be, no string attached. So, we are both talking about change (which is exciting - can't we always strive to be better people!) but we are both very careful to remember that these changes are going to take place because we want them to and feel they are things God is calling us to in order to be better children of God, better people, a better husband/wife, a better friend, etc. So, I'm excited for this new aspect of our journey that is related to pregnancy, but also more about us!

One Week In

2009-03-15T19:47:00.002-04:00

We were blessed with an amazing opportunity to share our news with some of our closest friends. A group of us had planned a weekend trip away to a cabin in Hocking Hills for some time of community and prayer. Michael and I were in charge of making dinner the first night, and as he prayed over the dinner he included in his prayer our little baby who would be coming in 9 months. You should have seen the surprise on everyone's face! But, it was great to have that time with friends who care and pray for us and a lot of mommies who have been through this before and could offer advice. It was also nice to spend that weekend away from home, without the normal pressures of chores and to-do lists. That gave me a lot of time to reflect and pray over this Little Bean and all that was coming for us. It was amazing how quickly I could go into worry mode - every little cramp or ache or pain had me worried that something may be wrong. I second guessed everything I ate or drank or did - could it hurt the baby? I quickly learned that I couldn't keep going that way. For one thing, it would drive me crazy! More importantly, that isn't how God wants me to live. I had some good time to pray and read in His Word and really turn over the burden of my pregnancy to Him. He loves me and this little child more than I ever could (which is hard to believe because I already love this child more than I thought I could!) But God loves us more, He created us, and He will take care of us. It's not about what I eat or how much I exercise or whether I take all the right vitamins. Don't get me wrong - I will do all the things I am supposed to do, but I wlil not let it control me. For example, I will take my prenatal vitamin every day, but will not freak out if I happen to forget a day. I will follow the dietary restrictions I am supposed to, but if I go out to eat and have a salad that comes with some feta cheese on it I will eat it and not worry. I will simply pray and trust in God. And that does sound simple, but it can be so hard to do. We live in this world where we are taught to control everything, so sometimes giving up that control and trusting Someone else can be the hardest thing to do. but, once you do it, it is the most liberating thing! I think this applies to every area of our life, it just became very apparent to me in dealing with pregnancy. I don't have to worry about my baby, or my job, or the state of the economy, or how things are going with friends or family. I can be involved in all of those things, but the responsibility of them falls to God. I need to listen to Him, spend time in His word and communicating with Him via prayer and in community with other believers so that I can discern His plan for me, but my job is to live in His plan, not try to figure it out on my own. Try it - it is really the most liberating thing to know all of this is out of my hands anyway!

Finding Out

2009-03-15T19:03:00.004-04:00

God has been so good! So, Michael and I had always agreed we didn’t want to ‘try’ to get pregnant, but just take away barriers and let it happen naturally. So, in early November we quit preventing, but that was it. No charting, no looking at dates or anything else. I kinda had this feeling in mind that December was the month, but didn’t give it much thought. I was getting more and more excited about the prospect of having a baby as time went by, and the more I thought about it, I started to think maybe the focus on December wasn’t from me, but was from God. So, imagine my disappointment when I got my period on December 20th. I was so frustrated and disappointed. Then, on December 28th I had a message from a friend asking if I was pregnant, saying that she had a feeling. We had not told anyone we were even thinking of a baby at this point, so her message was out of nowhere. It hit me that this was God, confirming what he told me. The science told me that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant in December, but the fact that a couple of spiritual friends brought it up to me in those last days of December and early January confirmed it to me in different ways really hit home, and I prayed very hard that God would show me how He was speaking to me. I want to hear Him more. I didn’t want this idea of December to be of me, I wanted it to be His plan or not happen, so prayed a lot about it. Then, I started having all sorts of symptoms that made me think perhaps I was pregnant. But still, I had felt all of that before and it was just PMS. So, I continued to pray. I waited to take a pregnancy test until I was sure my period was late, since mine is never that reliable. I took a test on Saturday morning, and I remember being so excited. I remember suddenly feeling hot and my heart was pounding as I went to tell Michael the news. He hugged me, but cautioned not to get my hopes up. I went to the gym and while I was running it started snowing, just a little bit. That right there was a sign to me from God, confirming this miraculous gift He was giving us. I have always loved the snow, and recently I have felt that God gives me snow at special times to let me know of His love. On the way home from running errands I got some more tests. I waited for Michael to get home to take them, and I could tell he was as anxious as me. I was trying to stay cool, putting off taking it, and he wanted to hurry up and do it. He read the results of the second one – positive again! We were so excited, went to dinner with friends trying to figure out how to hide the fact that I wasn’t drinking. Sunday he asked when I was going to take another test. At first I wasn’t going to, thinking I should just trust God and not need a confirmation, but then I thought ‘Why not, God wants us to enjoy this and this is fun!’ So I took it, and for half a second had Michael going that it came back negative.

That Monday I was so excited to call the doctor, thinking they would want me to come in that day. I was kind of disappointed that they don’t want to see me until 8 weeks! But, I left a message with some questions, got a call back with some answers, and found out, because of the Factor V (a blood clotting disorder I have) they want me to see a specialist sooner. Yea! Factor V is good for something! Then I started to question my motivation behind it- did I force this to happen- but Michael assured me I did not. If they had said no need for anything special I would have been fine with that. Then I was worried that the specialist they were recommending might not be on my plan. I searched the website and couldn’t find him, started to let that worry me. But Tuesday morning I prayed about it and asked God to please let him be on my plan. Finally found his name on the Christ hospital website and then searched him on Cigna and it looks like he is fine. God is so good! Everything is working out so well.

I am praying away fear, sending away the evil spirits that are trying to attack me and make me worry about every little thing. This is God’s child, and He can take care of him or her better than I can if I just let him. Psalm 27:1 says “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” And Philippians 4:6-7 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” I trust Him, and I am so thankful!

In The Beginning

2009-03-15T18:41:00.004-04:00

So, this is my first attempt at a blog. I've never done one before, but have greatly enjoyed following those of some of my friends and thought I'd take a shot at it. What has really motivated me to start one now is my pregnancy, and all that Michael and I are learning and experience as we are getting ready to welcome our first child into this world. I feel like every day there is a new emotion or insight or fact that we are learning. Some are scientific, some are spiritual, some emotional, others more relational. But, all are welcome! I have been journaling about a lot of it, but that seems so private, and really waht is the point of learning and experiencing life if we aren't sharing what we learn with others. So, here it is. I am sure some of this will make more sense than other parts, some may seem emotional, or far-fetched, depending on what point of view you are coming from. So, feel free to take what you want from it. To get started I will going back in time a bit, to some of what I felt when we first found out we were expecting, then catching up to where we are now...